Being Sober Sucks.

There’s no way around it, I actually really liked being drunk.

To be drunk. It’s a funny way to say it. We could just have easily called it being drank. Being drinked. Drinky.

I miss being drinky.

I used to practice the upright bass in our living room. Just me, the bass, and a bottle of wine. The entire bottle, every day. God it was a good time.

Of course, one bottle of wine isn’t that much. That’s why I’d usually drink more. Ahh, more. More was better. More was gooder. Goody?

Beer was also delicious. So much so that I still look forward to the occasional non-alcoholic micro brew. The problem is that even the non-alcoholic stuff still has carbs. Carbs are actually the hardest thing to quit.

I quit tobacco, I quit alcohol. I quit weed back in high school, too. It made me paranoid and afraid I’d get myself pregnant. Easy to let go. Carbs? Hard to let go even though they actually make you look pregnant.

Although I quit drinking to make my life easier, that’s not how it works. Life is way harder without my old friend, my dear abusive and controlling old friend, alcohol.

Social life: Harder.

Travel: Harder.

Frequency of existential crises: Higher

Inspiration: Lower

BMI: Fatter

I used to get more done pushing through a hangover. Now there isn’t anything to push through.

It’s been almost nine years and I just woke up from a dream where I was drinking. I quit to be free. Maybe there’s no such thing as being free.

I remember waking up every morning to the smell of a sweaty bar. Of course the sweat was my own and it was in our bedroom. My alcohol soaked breath filled our sleeping quarters overnight like perfume at the entrance of an old Macy’s at the mall.

Interviewer: “What’s your biggest weakness?”

Me: “That I care enough about my health to be self-withholding but not enough to actually be healthy.”

Interviewer: “And how does this make you feel?”

Me: “Like I should try pills.”