What Vinyl Asks of Us
It's not just money, although it definitely asks for that, too.
Of all the reasons one might choose to listen to vinyl records, I find their inconvenience the most compelling. I had no idea just how beautifully labor intensive spinning vinyl could be until a couple of weeks ago when I bought a brand new turntable.
As it turns out, there’s a used record store around the corner from my house. As it further turns out, I keep going there to dig through the jazz record crates. As it further further turns out, my old record player was trash and I needed a new one.
You see, I used to think records were simply placed on the turntable, the needle dropped in the groove, and done. No, no, no.
First of all, those cardboard jackets should really be in plastic sleeves unless you like ring wear. Once the record of choice is removed from the plastic, the sleeve is pulled out from the jacket and the record is placed on the turntable. Then, with the record spinning, a carbon fibre dust-brush is placed on the surface of the vinyl for approximately 2 revolutions. It’s only after carefully removing the brush, so as not to leave any offending particulate matter behind, that the needle can be placed on the record.
Speaking of needles, did you know the needle arm is supposed to be balanced? Yeah, there’s a weight on the end. You can tell I knew this with one look at my old record player. (It’s screwed on backwards with no attention to its position.) Too light and the needle won’t stay on the record or sound good. Too heavy and you end up grinding your precious media into microplastic powder faster than Michel Petrucciani can play Cherokee.
Speaking of needles, did you know you are supposed to calibrate those, too? The cartridge is supposed to be aligned with your turntable at a certain angle for that perfect sound.
While you’re ordering your cartridge alignment protractor and your tracking force scale for checking needle weight make sure to add a needle brush to your cart. That’s to keep your needle free from the small pieces of plastic-sacrifice generated from every spin of your favorite record.
Now that we’ve got turntable hygiene covered, let’s talk about used records and just how dirty they can be. Sounds like it’s time to consider a record cleaner. There are liquids, vacuums, ultrasonic cleaners and more. In a pinch, use a pair of car dent remover suction cups to cover both sides of the label as you hose the record off in the sink. Results may vary.
As if all of this hassle wasn’t enough, consider the fact that you have to tend the turntable like a fire, flipping and adding logs as needed. And that’s where all of this inconvenience pays off. Like a fire, those records keep you company, asking for nothing but a little reciprocity and attention in return for sharing their warmth. It’s not something unfair and it’s not something unreasonable. They just ask you to care.
My phone asks me to turn on notifications. It also asks me to share my location data, install updates, and rate my in-app experiences. Sometimes scrolling on it literally makes me car sick but it keeps asking me to scroll, ignorant of my displeasure.
Smartphone life makes me miss the good old days when everything was a little more scarce and a little more meaningful. We missed our friends when we didn’t know what they were up to every second. We looked forward to taking girls on dates instead of staring at strangers on Onlyfans. Going to the video store to rent a few movies was an event in and of itself. What could feel more like the good old days than sitting next to the fire, cell phone on silent in another room, while enjoying the annoying crackle of remnant dust stuck in the supposedly ultrasonically cleaned grooves of a used Tal Farlow record?
I love it!!
I mean….
I, Luddite!